HAPPY AND GAY…That’s what we are.

 

You see one of them. Sitting on the beach in the darkness; you touch his shoulder, he twitches. He turns around, rivulets of tears running down his furry cheeks from eyes filled with anguish. Stunned, you stutter a little. Then you ask him why… why’s he crying? What hurts him so much? He says he loves men… which is wrong, it’s against religion, it’s against everything society stands for, and yet, he loves men. He sobs a little. You see his shoulders shake with the effort of trying not to cry out loud. You see his fists tightened so hard that they cut into his palms and blood starts to ooze out. He doesn’t notice. You do. You want to touch him, but you’re afraid, so afraid of doing anything. You instead, feel repulsed.

 

He’d been in a relationship that failed because his boyfriend left him for religion. His sentence was bitten off, that much was the anger and sadness inside of him. He hated religion, and he hated himself more because he hated the God that created himself and given him the gift of life, but with an imperfection with which he would be forever doomed since the moment of his birth. He was going to hell, and there was nothing he could do about it.

You pluck up your courage and say that he could sacrifice it and get married, get kids, and maybe he could see that it was all a delusion.

 

He laughs a maniacal laugh… a shrill hysterical sound that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. His pupils seem to glitter in fresh tears as he talks about friends who deluded themselves into thinking they were deluded, got married to a woman, got children and then left their in pain and confusion to remain single because they couldn’t live with it.

 

All alone and lonely because they have a need that could not be fulfilled by society, because they are unable to find any support from family and friends they take to the streets in vain, searching for answers, thinking, spending nights with men might even cure them, make them feel disgusted with themselves.

He says he feels disgusted with himself… unable to function, unable to believe in his life… his folly… he’s seen others lose hope and kill themselves, mutilate themselves and go do drugs in order to escape the undeniable. Parents never observe their children, he says. They only see the fact that their child is doing drugs… not why. They long ago stopped observing their baby when it started speaking to them.

Just for one day, from the moment you wake up, can you try and think like a gay man, he says. No, not the earthy pleasure of sex, not for the sense of rebellion but just in order to think about what goes on behind the reflective eyes of any other gay person you may know.

You see those people and you dread talking to them thinking that they have a diseased mind… that they carry many venereal diseases from unprotected sex from hundreds of sexual encounters that seem to fill the tedium of their existence. Have you ever thought of how truly wretched they feel?

Cut them slack. They know they are wretched. We know we are wretched.

 

SINGLE, ALONE AND LOVING IT…..

 

Alone. Away from all of those… relationships… family, friends, dates, Life. It’s put my relationship with every single one of them in perspective… I’ve found out who my real friends are, who’ve been taking me for granted so long that they were devastated when I stopped being there as the fall guy… who really loved me long enough to understand that I have needs too. But I’m still on the path to finding out who I am. So far I have learnt so much about me that sometimes it feels like I am being bombarded with raining boulders and I reach for that handy-dandy denial umbrella that I keep sheathed instead of a sword in my scabbard. At others I feel like I’m having a string of eye-opening moments, those moments where you feel like you get a new lease on life or something.

 

Like as if I have my sword to chop away those chains I’ve drawn around me.

 

Alone and I don’t feel lonely anymore. I’ve come to understand that I need time for myself. Like my sanctuary, my room as a Malé creature. I need to be alone. I took off this evening for a walk in the beach with a camera and had a lot of fun. I wish I didn’t take my phone, because the temptation to call someone overpowered me as always.

 

Then a “so” called boyfriend (debatable) gave me a missed call called me and started whining about him and me being cold and distant. To think that I was like that (whiny!) about less than a month ago… is mortifying. Not entitled to comment so much about that. It is absolutely a waste of time. I texted him. “LET GO OF ME FULLY”, I wasn’t really sure if that is what I really wanted to happen. Suddenly I have a craving for a Chinese food, at 1:40 am across the Ghost Town road of Jumeirah Beach. Isn’t it wonderful how karma bites you in the ass every time you offend someone? I’m officially off relationships, at least, till the end of this year…Fine…as I always say…..it’s a rotten word that i keep on repeating back to “zero”.

Oh, and I guess it won’t be difficult, because I am aiming to loose weight…which I have been planning long way back to start and maintain…I wish I am “gemma”…(laughs) no need to explain why. I hope Lara joins me too.

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