bi now gay later

I was like Magellan today….except…the difference was..He circumnavigated the whole world and proven that the world was round…while I circumnavigated Dubai just to prove that I was a total looser! Ehem…loser..Sorry. But it is ok…finishing everything early was a bonus for me, but it was really tiring and the “great” thing about it was I did not have anything in my stomach. It was traffic and it was again a painful sunshine who gave me a big hello.

———–25, flirty and thriving. I wish this is my now! I won’t make it clear..but go and figure it out yourself. Less publicity….less questions!

I do see beautiful days with him.

That’s what I feel now and that feeling has always been the same since the first time I ever had the chance to be with him. I was just never sure about it.

His page in my book is something I never expected to be written at all. Or shall I say…..again. I never asked for the feeling. I never asked for him, but in the most unexpected dance of life, this unexpected person has made the sweetest twist in my vocabulary.

As most of us experience, a mere glance to someone may lead to an attraction and that attraction may lead to a feeling which more often, leads to a different echelon of feelings.

White Chocolates. (thanks gee)

Traffic.

Conversation.

Three words that started the beautiful days I had, I have, and will have with him.

Who would think that from a single chocolate date everything will blossom into a different emotion that neither the two of us see it coming? Indeed both of us knew it was not right as it was all in a haste to conclude something as of the moment and it’s not just a relationship but a serious, long-term relationship. But the fact was surefire that we do enjoy each other’s company. It felt new. It was really something that I just let in within a click of a finger. Every time we have a conversation, each of us has always something to say—the most important thing I wished to have in a relationship which I have realized I have been missing for the past years of my life being with another person I thought was right for me.

As the rhythm of my heart’s beat for him changed, the moment I noticed it, I wanted to end it. It’s no good. But I guess my heart has a mind of its own. I knew it’s going nowhere but I still insisted to give it a try because it is what my heart truly desires.

I never felt so spontaneous in my life than those precious though few moments with him. Who would think that in that short a time, I would fall again? Good thing he didn’t know or did he?

I don’t know.

All I know is that my feelings at that time even up to this time while typing the words are intense and getting more intense.

He left. I was left behind with so many questions running in my head. My life has never been the same since the first and last kiss we had. Everything has been thought through and there is only one answer, He is the one I want to share my whole life with….In a gay’s life…we also wanted somebody to be with. Though 50% of chances are the only thing which I am holding, I was still certain about it.

I only want for just another moment. I will let him go. I only want just one mere moment to see and be with him again.

It has been my life’s longing from then on. Dreaming of him and building castles in the air just to fill up the emptiness I feel deep inside my heart has never been easy. I know, I am hurting someone who loves me because of this but I must admit, this time, my heart wants to get better of me and the truth of a matter is, I let it.

I knew it, he just wanted to stop keeping in touch with me but I am such an intractable person that I still opted to let my feeling show although it is vivid enough that he doesn’t want to anymore. I do understand. But I told myself, I will only live once in this world and there is only one chance for me to meet the person I knew was born to love me and for me to love, if I will let this chance pass, my life will be in misery forever. I knew it from the start, from the very moment our lips touch that he is the one for me….why should I let go? I won’t. I will, only when I he tells me so.

 

I didn’t really look ahead but my journey’s route has changed. I went to another country because I wanted to find myself. There is no room for understanding among the familiarity of the place I call home and the people I call my family. I just want to find myself.In this city, I never thought finding myself is actually finding him again. Who would have thought that I will ever keep in touch with him again? Well, I honestly didn’t really stop the communication but it was not as breathtaking as it was before and I have almost given up. It’s a bit uncanny in the sense that at the very moment when I have made my mind up, he was there.

 

Eerie.

 

From that moment on, everything has been clear to me. I never stopped loving him and I still want to love him if given the chance. It was really dumbfounding moment when one day, after I just shared to him my “fave song” I finally heard from him the word I so long to hear ever since. It’s not that I didn’t feel from his actions and words that the feeling is mutual but for me, it is just awe-inspiring to hear the word of love from the person you truly love.

Loving each other from a distance is just not easy. Sometimes, the longing is throbbing deep inside the deepest core of my heart but I don’t want to let this moment pass without being able to see him again, more so, be with him again. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. I know I’m not supposed to tell him that I do love him much because of the dreading thought of being hurt again; but honestly, I don’t care.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

If being hurt means to love him every day, I want to be hurt forever.

I can’t wait to see him again. There’s just so much to say that words can no longer contain.

He is the one for me, the one I have been waiting for.

He is the last piece to complete my puzzle.

Beautiful days.

I do feel beautiful days are yet to come and I can see forever when I look into his eyes. In this world, certainty may be a word too hard to define but I know, I am very much certain that I can see heaven in his eyes. I want to have beautiful days with him. I let go this time….it’s because I will LET GOD—he knows best how to take care of the “How” in my life.

Words are inadequate.

Forever is whimsical.

I am only certain of my now……

And it is my present. He is the present. He is the gift.

I do love him.

 

with all the best of luck. Wish me all of that. Coz I guess I will need it badly.

 

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7 Comments

  1. gee in the story said,

    October 20, 2008 at 11:29 pm

    queen B, i think you owe us a kwento!!!

  2. Lee said,

    October 20, 2008 at 11:37 pm

    Gee….your smells terrific!

    yun ba shampoo mo?

  3. Mean Mina said,

    October 21, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision- You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
    – Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.

  4. gee in the story said,

    October 22, 2008 at 12:01 am

    huwat? may nagtitinda pa ba nun ngayon??? wahahha.

  5. gee in the story said,

    October 22, 2008 at 12:02 am

    bakit walang bagong blog today??? huhuhu

  6. Mean Mina said,

    October 23, 2008 at 7:52 am

    meron gee… sa quiapo for sure may pirated… hihi…

  7. gee in the story said,

    October 23, 2008 at 6:26 pm

    mean mina…damang dama ko yung comment mo eh! damang dama…mangiyak ngiyak pa!


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